Archive for December, 2008

5 Mistakes that will make your New Year’s Resolution Fail (and how not to make them)

December 31st, 2008 by Administrator | No Comments | Filed in Career, Lifestyle, dating

The New Year is a great time to reflect on the past and decide where you want to be in the future. With that comes the realization of goals and dreams. It is the perfect time to set (and achieve) all those goals. Most New Year’s Resolutions fail before they even have a chance to become a reality.
To make sure your resolution doesn’t tank by the 15th be sure not to make the mistakes I have listed below.

1.People don’t write their goals down.
Did you know that you are twice as likely to achieve a goal by simply writing it down? Most people just decide what their resolution is and say it aloud. This year, have a specific piece of paper, notebook, or bulletin board that is just for the goals you want to achieve. List them all. I like to take my goals a step further by placing a picture to represent each goal on a poster.

2.People don’t fit their goals into their lifestyle.
Any goal worth having is worth scheduling time for. People expect their New Year’s Resolution to manifest without ever putting anything into action. This is a great time to buy a new day planner or calendar. Some people like the new calendars that come on PDAs and other electronic devices. I still prefer a small planner that will easily fit into my purse. There is something about physically writing your plans down with a pen that ingrains them into your brain. It also feels so good to cross out things that you have achieved.
When you make your resolution, take some time to sit down with your planner and schedule time to actually achieve your goal. If you want to lose weight this year, schedule time for exercise in your planner. Plan your meals and schedule time to go to the grocery store. If you don’t make time to even start your goal, you won’t ever get to the finish line.

3.People set unrealistic goals.
I am all for shooting for the stars, and I don’t think there is anything wrong with dreaming big. However, some people put way too much pressure on themselves and don’t give themselves enough time to achieve their goal. This starts a vicious cycle because people get really focused at first and work too hard too fast on achieving their goal. Then when they exhaust themselves they fall off the wagon. If you want to exercise more this year then don’t start off exercising for long periods of time everyday. You will tire yourself out and probably quit by February. Instead, start taking 20-30 minute walks 4-5 days a week. Then, as you build up endurance and really get to experience the benefits of exercising, you will naturally want to do more. Over the long haul you will probably exercise more and lose more weight then if you start off too strong.

On the other hand, some people set their goals too far in advance. If they always schedule goals in the future, then they never really have to start working on them. If your goal is important to you, then make plans to start it now. Even if you don’t think you have the time, take baby steps.
For instance, let’s say you want to go back to school. You don’t see any way that this is possible between your job and your family. At least make an appointment to speak with an advisor. They will be able to tell you what all of your options are. It could be that there are night or internet classes you could take. Even if you took just one class a semester, you would be a lot closer to graduating in a couple of years than if you take none. The time is going to pass by anyway.

The trick is finding balance in achieving your goals. You want to list all the steps that are needed to achieve your goal and then set deadlines for each of the steps. Be realistic with the dates you pick. Give yourself enough time without putting your goal off.

4.People don’t plan for failure.
Right now while your goal is really important to you, plan for the days you just don’t feel like pursuing it. Write down all the benefits of achieving your goal and visualize how your life will be when you succeed. Make a list and keep it handy. Know that you will have days you feel unmotivated. When one of those days comes along, you will expect it and know how to encourage yourself.

5.People don’t ask for help.
It is really hard to achieve any goal all by yourself. Tell your family and friends about your goal. Most people want to see you achieve your dreams. Let them know how important the goal is to you. They can be there to cheer you on when you can’t find the energy to motivate yourself. If your friends try to make you fail, then maybe they aren’t really your friends?

It is also a good idea to consider hiring professional help. People who are experts in specific areas of your goal will be able to help you in ways you can’t imagine. Personal trainers and nutritionists are great for helping with weight loss. Life coaches, counselors, and career experts are other great motivators. When you feel accountable to another person you won’t let them down during times you may have let yourself down. Consider what professionals may be available to help you. Many professionals offer deals and specials going into the New Year. I offer 10% off my life and dating coaching packages to subscribers of my newsletter. If you find yourself stuck and needing help, consult an expert instead of trashing your goal!

Much luck and many blessings in the New Year!

Brandi Hamrick,
The “Queen B” Coach
www.brandihamrick.com

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Ask Brandi: A guy says he wants to hang but won’t take me out, WHY?

December 30th, 2008 by Administrator | 1 Comment | Filed in Ask Brandi

Hey Brandi,

I hope you’re well and I want you to know that I continue to follow your blog.

I’ve got a question. If a man doesn’t ask you out on a date, as in dinner, movie, drinks, coffee, whatever, then does that mean he’s not that into you? When he says he wants to hang out, but doesn’t make a plan, then I usually think he’s just not that into me or that he’s lazy and doesn’t really care about me…etc…

Hi Cha!

Thanks for your question and for following my blog. If a guy never wants to take you out, then there could be several reasons why.

The first reason that pops into my mind is your assumption that the guy is lazy. If a guy never asked me to go out it wouldn’t matter to me whether he liked me or not. It would lead me to believe that even if he did like me he wasn’t the type of guy willing to plan special things for women. Most women want a guy who is willing to take enough interest in them to take them out and make them feel special. Then we can reciprocate by planning special things for them as well.

Does he ask you to hang out with him in groups or at home? If he likes to hang out with close friends or you at his house, but not in public, then it is quite possible he just doesn’t like being social. If you are okay with this, then the relationship could still work. I get the feeling you aren’t the type of girl who just wants to sit around the house though. The important thing is not to conform if you are the type of person who likes to go out on the town. If the guy is willing to compromise by going out occasionally, and you are willing to stay home sometimes too, then it could also work. Just don’t get involved with someone that you know doesn’t like to go out expecting them to change. At first, the newness of the relationship may be enough to keep you excited, but if he is never willing to take you out you will eventually get bored.

If you know the guy is not a homebody but just doesn’t ask you out then he may not want to date. It could be that he just sees you as a friend. It could also be that he just doesn’t want a serious relationship right now (for whatever reason), so he doesn’t want to lead you on. In this case it is quite possible that he does like hanging out with you. If you aren’t pressured to be in a serious relationship now either, keep hanging out with him in groups as friends (while you date other people) and see where the relationship goes.

To sum it up, if a guy isn’t actively pursuing you, it may just be bad timing. You may both be interested in each other but he may not be able to give you the attention you want right now. Don’t ever settle for less than you deserve (and you deserve the best). If a guy doesn’t want to take you out then move on, because there are plenty of guys who would love to!

Brandi Hamrick,
The “Queen B” Coach
www.brandihamrick.com

Balance: The Spice of your LOVE LIFE!

December 18th, 2008 by Administrator | No Comments | Filed in Lifestyle, dating

One principle I live by and encourage my clients to live is balance. It should be the core of everything we do. If you are out of balance in one area of your life it can spill over to other areas.

For instance, if you have gained a few pounds and let yourself go, your self-image and confidence have both probably gone down. This may spill over into your love life because you may not have the self-esteem to go after the people that you know you deserve. This can hold true for any area of your life. If you are not satisfied with your career, or if you have dropped out of school, your self-worth has more than likely declined. Now you may not pursue the type of person that is right for you, and instead you will settle.

Likewise, if you put too much time into one area then other areas can suffer. If you are too obsessed with body image or are a workaholic you are limiting the selection of companions you have as well.

The secret to excelling in any area of your life is to balance the energy you put into all of the areas of your life. Sure, at times we will all have to make sacrifices in some areas to achieve goals in another (finishing grad school, landing a promotion, etc.), but in the end it all has to balance out.

If you are trying too hard to find a companion, then other parts of your life will suffer (friendships, family, work, school, health, fitness, etc.). When the other areas of your life aren’t tended to, your joy and self-confidence will diminish. The trick is to have a balance of actively trying to achieve your goals without letting other areas of your life fall by the waste side.

While you are searching for the perfect mate, make sure to still focus and give energy to all the other things in your life that are important to you. This will build your confidence and make you even more desirable to that special someone!

Also be sure to keep the other areas of your life up when in a relationship. That way if the relationship happened to end, you would still be grounded and have all the other wonderful areas of your life to fall back on!

Brandi Hamrick,
The “Queen B” Coach
www.brandihamrick.com

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Ask Brandi: My ex led me on and used me. What should I do?

December 12th, 2008 by Administrator | No Comments | Filed in Ask Brandi, dating

Dear Brandi,

Although I know better on a lot of situations, sometimes it’s hard to take your own advice! I need yours please! I have commented on one of your blogs, but really need your advice one on one.
I dated this guy for 5 years off and on. The bad part is that he led me on to believe that eventually we would be committed to each other. I’ve always been there for him whenever he needed me. He would break up w/me and then come back- I would take him back. This time I don’t understand this situation. We have not argued or anything since the last we talked. We ended the conversation w/”I’ll talk 2 u later”. This was in Oct and it has been 2 months since we talked. I’m not sure if I should call him back or not. I highly upset w/him and know that I just want to blast him for not calling me to say at least Happy Thanksgiving! In the past he has always been the one to call and make up first after!

This time I’m not sure what to do. I feel used because when he really needed someone to be there in a very serious situation- He called on me and as always I’m there. After the storm- now he no longer needs me (especially after 5 years of helping him in his business). I’m hurt and angry at the same time. I’m to the point where I want to call and tell him off, but don’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing I’m really hurt by his actions and doggy character toward someone who has been there for him through hard times. Please let me know if I’m on the right track of just letting it go and stay moving on with my life. I really don’t want to get to know someone all over again, but I do have enough self-esteem to not call and act like I’m desperate for him to return. I really feel like he used me.

First of all, it sounds to me like you already know in your heart what is right. You have managed to fight off the urge to call him (which I know is hard, trust me). This is a very wise decision. We as women tend to want to act very irrational sometimes. It is great that you are able to overcome your emotions and do what your brain is telling you (not calling him). This is a constant struggle for all of us (yes, even me-and even when you get married). You have no idea what a positive thing it is that you have this ability (some women do not have this ability, trust me here again). Let’s say you did call him up and bless him out. What would this accomplish? Sure it would make you feel better in the moment, but you would regret it. By calling someone up and chewing them out you aren’t displaying self-respect either. You respect yourself and are better than that.
To me it is pretty obvious that you know you should move on. You admitted that you just don’t want to have to get to know someone all over again. Think about the person you could be denying yourself of by waiting on this guy. Even if this guy does call you up or come back around, you would just be settling. You know you deserve better. It is his loss not to be in your life. You said that your relationship was on again/off again. Even if you did get back together wouldn’t you constantly be wondering if he was about to call things off again?
Sit down and make a list of every characteristic you want your future mate to have. Make this list as detailed as possible and keep it in your wallet. Don’t waste time on guys that don’t fit your list. By making your list you are saying, “Okay world this is what I want and this is what I deserve.” Now wait until Mr. Right comes along. In the meantime, concentrate on loving yourself. Put your time and energy into becoming the woman that you want to be and the person that your future mate deserves. I am currently working on an e-course on how to fall in love with you.
The fact that he used you speaks for his character. You don’t want someone like that. You helped him because you felt it was the right thing to do. You shouldn’t have any regrets about that. Sometimes when you are dating it can be a very bumpy road. No matter how committed or serious you are in a relationship, sometimes things change. Be glad you found out what kind of person he is sooner rather than later.
Have you ever considered that maybe he didn’t intend on leading you on? When dating sometimes we realize the person we are with just isn’t the person for us. Is it possible that in the beginning he anticipated committing to you but then had a change of heart? The whole objective of dating is to figure out whether or not we want to be with someone.
Considering you still have strong emotions towards this situation, it is probably best he doesn’t call you-even to wish you Happy Holidays. You don’t want to risk getting sucked back in!
Only you can decide what is right for you, but it sounds to me that you are on the right track. It seems like more than anything you are just hurt. It is awful that someone you cared about hurt you so badly. Don’t let this stop you from trusting again. You have to let go and forgive this person. Let me be clear, forgiveness does not mean you have to ever talk or see this person again. You just have to forgive them in your own heart. Do yourself a favor and find a way to forgive him in your heart. You will feel so much better when you are not carrying this burden around with you anymore. You will truly be free to love again. Look at this (and every other bad experience in life) as a learning experience. You know more about yourself now, and you know what you do (and don’t) want in a future mate.

Brandi Hamrick,
The “Queen B” Coach
www.brandihamrick.com

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ASK BRANDI: I’m having sex with a guy who won’t commit. What should I do?

December 9th, 2008 by Administrator | No Comments | Filed in Ask Brandi, dating

Dear Brandi,

I’m hoping I can get your advice…I’m currently seeing (well that’s the thing, not really seeing) this guy. We spend time together and have a sexual relationship but he told me he doesn’t want to be in a serious relationship right now. He says he really cares about me and is just scared. I can sense that he cares and I feel he enjoys our time together. But my question is: Is this possible? To really like someone and have a sexual relationship with a girl but not want a serious relationship for whatever reasons that may be. Or am I wasting my time? Is there something that I’m not seeing?

Thanks for your question.

I am going to assume that you WANT this to turn into a serious relationship. It clearly bothers you that you have a sexual relationship with him, but he won’t commit to dating you.

I’ll start by backing up and saying that I never suggest having sex with someone until the relationship is where you want it to be at that given time. For many people that means marriage, for others it is when they enter into an exclusive relationship, for some it may be when they have been in an exclusive relationship for a certain length of time, and for some it may be right from the start even though they are not exclusive.

The women that truly fall into the last group are few and far between. There are women who will sleep with a guy before they are ready, but there are not many who can emotionally handle having sex with someone that they are not in a serious relationship with. See the difference? You clearly do not fall into this category. I think it is safe to say you are one of the middle categories: you are comfortable having sex when you are in an exclusive relationship or have been in one for a certain length of time.

You need to figure out when you are emotionally ready to have sex with someone, so that you can develop some guidelines. Do some soul-searching and figure out when you would truly be ready to have sex with this person (or a future person that you may be with). Write your answer down and stick to your guidelines. For example, if you would be completely comfortable having sex with someone once you have been in a relationship for 3 months, you are a 3 month girl.

Now we will get back to your current relationship. I think you need to quit having sex with this person ASAP. It is obvious that it bothers you given you aren’t in a relationship. Explain to him that you have been uncomfortable and that you have decided you only want to have sex when he is ready to commit to you (or whatever timeframe you came up with). Stress to him that this is not to pressure him into committing. Tell him you enjoy hanging out with him and are okay with being just friends.

This will be a good way to see if he really cares about you. If he truly likes you and is scared to commit, he will respect your decision not to have sex. It may even be the push he needs to dive into the relationship. Just give him time. Since you guys are just “friends” you can also date other people. This way you aren’t wasting your time if the relationship with him doesn’t pan out. Just be sure not to purposely make him jealous or constantly remind him you could be having sex if he would commit. You don’t want him to commit just because he is jealous or pressured. You want him to commit because he wants to be with you.

If he is only hanging out with you to score, then he obviously won’t be okay with your decision to quit having sex. He will possibly quit hanging out with you. If he drops you, don’t let yourself get upset. There are plenty of fish in the sea who would want to commit to you. Look at this as a learning experience. You have learned so much about yourself, and now you have new standards when deciding to sleep with someone. If he is only with you for the sex, you will be better off without him, so just move on!

In the future, never have sex with someone before you are 100% ready. Never have sex in hopes that it will get a guy to commit to you. Stick to your guns and be true to yourself, and you can never go wrong!

Keep me posted!

Brandi Hamrick,
The “Queen B” Coach
www.brandihamrick.com

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Ask Brandi: Should I marry a man who has been married before?

December 8th, 2008 by Administrator | No Comments | Filed in Ask Brandi, dating

Rhonda from Colorado writes:
I am currently engaged to a man that I love very much. He is the only person I have truly been in love with. The only problem is that he has been married before. I have never been married, and I always assumed when I got married it would be the first time for both of us. Other than that everything is perfect, but I can’t help but get upset when I think about it. Is that enough to call off the wedding?

Hi Rhonda,

Only you can decide if this is a big enough issue to call off your wedding. Personally I think it would be a shame to miss out on a potentially wonderful marriage if the only thing that bothers you is his previous marriage. Picture yourselves being married for twenty years. Will it really matter to you then? Imagine all of the happiness you would be missing out on.

My husband was married once before also, and I decided to look past his previous relationship. In fact, I think my husband’s past relationship has actually made our relationship stronger. When someone is in a bad relationship they really appreciate being in a good one. My husband is still so thankful for everything that I do for him. He is thankful for things that guys I dated previously (that had never been married) would not have even noticed.

I think this really depends on whether you can look at this as a positive factor (he will appreciate you more, he has probably learned a lot from his past mistakes) or not.

If you do indeed marry him, you will have to completely let go of the fact he has been married before. You can’t hold it against him or throw it in his face at all. If you aren’t willing to completely let go then you should not get married yet. There is no rush in getting married, so until you can make your mind up 100% don’t walk down the aisle.

Good Luck, and keep me posted!

Brandi Hamrick,
The “Queen B” Coach
www.brandihamrick.com

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Make Your Bed! Your Mom was Right!

December 5th, 2008 by Administrator | No Comments | Filed in Lifestyle

Do you make your bed everyday? Turns out making your bed is more than just making your bedroom pretty in the morning. By simply making your bed you can add years to your life, find the motivation you need to conquer the world, ward away sickness, and even develop self-discipline.

Making your bed can:

1.Keep you from getting sick.
Everyday a thin layer of dust and allergens settles on every surface of your house. If you leave your bed unmade then you will hop right into an icky layer of particles. Your head will be lying directly on dust for you to inhale all night long. This can also irritate your skin, cause allergies, and even cause colds and illness if airborne bacteria are present. Also, any critter that flies or can get up high (think spiders, mosquitoes, etc.) can slip under the covers more easily when your bed is unmade.

Tip: Pulling your comforter and top sheet down are very popular ways to make the bed these days. It makes for a decorative way to show off colors and pillows. Instead of pulling your sheet down, leave it tightly pulled up and tucked and only pull your comforter down. Also pull the sheet completely over the pillows you sleep on. This will protect them so that you will have your face on a clean surface at night. You will still be able to see the colors of your sheets, but your bed will remain dust-free.

2. Add years to your life.
Simply making your bed can have a very powerful affect on the quality of your sleep. We all know that getting plenty of valuable sleep every night makes us healthy all over. Getting enough sleep helps keep us younger, can prevent all kinds of diseases, and just makes us feel better so that we can be more productive.

When you make your bed consistently everyday it sends a signal to your brain that says, “Ok it is time to be awake.” Likewise, when your bed is turned down at night it sends a signal that says it is time to go to sleep. You can actually train your brain when you start making your bed regularly. If your bed is disheveled and messy all the time, then your body doesn’t know when to wind down.

Tip: This strategy is especially helpful to those who are in multi-purpose living spaces such as dorms and studio apartments and those who work from home. You want to make your bed up as soon as you wake so that while you are working or studying nearby your body doesn’t want to drift back asleep. Make your bed look different during the day by adding decorative pillows. When you want to start getting sleepy, turn your sheets down and remove the extra pillows. Also don’t study or work in your bed.

3. Get you motivated!
Recent studies have shown that being self-disciplined in one small area of your life (such as making your bed) starts a chain reaction into other areas. Being self-disciplined about making your bed is a perfect small area to start with. By making your bed you are saying that you are up and ready for your day. You also won’t be as tempted to jump back in your bed. If you want to start an exercise routine in the morning, making your bed is a great way to begin. Start by making your bed as soon as you get up and doing a few minutes of stretches. Soon your body will be accustomed to being energized and you will feel like doing more. The discipline it takes to make your bed everyday will soon spill over into other areas of your life!

Tip: Make your bed as soon as you get up! Right when your feet hit the floor make your bed. Take a deep breath and look at what you’ve already accomplished. This gets your day off to a great start and will motivate you to be productive everyday.

4. Release stress.
Have you ever noticed that when you make your bed your entire room looks neat? There can be laundry on the floor and things piled on the dresser, but by just making your bed it changes the whole feel of the room. Visually, making your bed will help keep you de-stressed all day long. Cleaning and organizing can also be very therapeutic, so by making your bed you get your day off to a less stressful start.

We all know people who don’t see the point in making their bed when they are going to get right back in it that night. I was guilty of this argument with my mom growing up. If you don’t currently make your bed, try it for a couple of weeks and give it a shot! Who knows, you may become an avid bed maker!

If you already religiously make your bed, then good for you, keep it up! When you are tightening sheets and tucking every morning know that you are doing something good for yourself.

Brandi Hamrick,
The “Queen B” Coach
www.brandihamrick.com